I had a mental breakdown in December 2012. I realise now that it was actually an emotional breakdown. I was lost. I didn’t know who I was. I was angry, blameful, resentful and judgemental. I was living my life in fear. When I figured it all out, the deep fear I was feeling was from the fact that I wasn’t living my true self. I had spent a lot of my adult years in counselling and began anti depressants after my last child born, such was the deep emotional pain I was feeling. All of these methods helped and placed a plaster over my wounds, but the wound never healed. It wasn’t until my emotional collapse and my only option left was to ask God, my creator for help and guidance, did I finally begin to heal.
When one is born, their Spirit is strong and their individuality comes within one’s Soul. As a baby, one’s Spirit can be its true self. As a small child, one’s Spirit is guided by the parents with their love and protection. Soon after, the parent releases the child into the school system, which for many is the beginning of the child’s Spirit being controlled, suppressed and moulded. Some children’s Spirit’s begin being suppressed by parents who live in fear and confusion. And it is through the parent’s fears, because of their own Spirit’s being suppressed and their own emotional needs being neglected in childhood that causes them to use control tactics instead of reasoning and encouragement. It is the Circle of Dysfunction.
I was born in love by my God loving parents with five sisters and I had a strong Spirit. My Dad, Christy, lost his brother Joe, and best friend when I was about seven and he sank into grief. In his grief, came depression and anger. And by his anger, us children became afraid. With my fear came secrecy and suppression of myself for fear I would say or do anything wrong that would be harshly judged and criticised or punished. And so began my road of burying my true self and my emotions.
When I was ten, in 1977, my Dad changed his life long job from Buckley’s Butcher’s Shops, to take a well paid manager position in Dublin’s new and innovative Meat Packing Plant in Grand Canal Street. Ten weeks later, it was shut down and it was to mark the beginning of the recession in Ireland that would last almost thirteen years. There was no work to be found anywhere in Dublin or other cities in Ireland. My Dad was devastated. Jack Lynch, the Fianna Fáil leader had become the Taoiseach for the second time in June 1977. ( He had previously sat 1965 till 1969). I often heard my Dad say, ‘Criminal Bastards’ when he saw the Irish Government on the TV. The 70’s recession put thousands of young men onto the dole (Social Welfare) system. It demoralised and degraded the young men of Ireland. Bored young men took to drinking and gambling. My Dad was thirty five years of age at the time and besides casual labour over the years, he did not secure a full time job until 1990. He was so angry all the time and he hated himself for it. He knew there were Criminals running his country, but he didn’t know how to stop them. He isolated himself from family and friends as did many Irish men who became shadows of their true self.
I naively used to think that things happen by chance, but from my readings, the Irish Government can and always could prevent the unemployment of the population of Ireland. It is by politicians dirty pockets that recessions happen. The 70’s decade was the beginning of the demise of the Irish nation. The Irish Government signed up to the EEC (European Economic Community) in 1972 to supposedly create jobs in Ireland. One wonders how on Earth a recession could happen in 1977 if the EEC was to be our saviour. The EEC was renamed the European Community by the Maastricht Treaty in November 1993, which then became The European Union. The unknowing Irish nation had lost their Sovereignty by the signing of this treaty and were now under European ruling.
The 70’s recession was allowed to happen. It was to cause depression and dysfunction in the lower earning income brackets of society. Dysfunctional people raise dysfunctional kids. Many men were prescribed Prozac during and after the 70’s recession. My father never took medication and he hated the dole. He warned us to never go on the dole as it takes away one’s freedom of independence. Thousands of young Irish men became dependent on the Prozac drug and became useless to their wives and children. It was during that time that family principles and morals were lost in the drug hazed confusion. It is common knowledge in Ireland today for most that joining the EEC was purely a guise to allow our assets and resources to be stolen in order to weaken our nation’s ability to be self efficient and to secure corrupt politicians careers. The 1970’s recession was designed to weaken the hard working man and destroy the family. Strong family units unaffected by alcoholism and drugs would filter through and thrive. Many were left living in fear and confusion.
Next came the ‘Celtic Tiger’ or The Boom of the nineties when all of a sudden the banks began to lend money to ordinary workers. The Celtic Tiger was masterly planned to give an illusion of a thriving economy, but what it really created was a false economy based on massive borrowings. People borrowed money to renovate their house or move to posher areas. There was lots of work for the builder and the tradesman. All of a sudden, ordinary people had big houses, fancy cars, kids in college, designer clothes and also an accumulation of debt. People were distracted by holidays, parties, occasions and loving the life. (It is no wonder the Maastricht Treaty was sneaked in under our noses to rob us of our Sovereignty.) Hands up, I was guilty of it all. Tradesmen were making really good money in the Celtic Tiger era and they were encouraged to put their money into pensions and properties. Bang comes the Crash of 2008 and property falls through the floor. The independent wealthy Irish Builder cannot afford to pay their highly costing mortgages and loans and they are annihilated. What do the Irish Government do? They ignore them and the need to keep the Construction Industry going and they financially bail out the banks. (I’ve mentioned this in previous blogs. The banks never needed bailing out. They are owned by the World Banks. The World Banks hold all the money in the World.) And so begins another ten years of unemployment and struggles for the ordinary man or the middle class income person to pay their bills. Many trades businesses collapsed. Many wealthy trades people destroyed. So let’s compare to the 1977 Crash where all the lower class income people were pushed out of the employment market to crush morals and values and cause alcoholism and drug abuse which in turn causes massive dysfunction in families. And then the 2008 crash that was to annihilate the independent Wealthy Irish Builder, who if they hadn’t succumbed to the temptations of greater wealth and had kept on building what they could afford to pay for, they would have secured their own independence and continuation to earn a living. Many men took their own lives since 2008 because of the shame at their inability to pay their bills and provide for their families. And for those who survived without losing everything, they battled on in the next few years in distraction trying desperately to keep their mortgages paid. The knock on effect of the 2008 crash was that all other middle class income businesses struggled too. As the circular of expenditure had stopped also. It was a long tough eleven years and just when retail, pubs and tradesmen were beginning to see a recovery in Late 2019, along comes The Covid. A massively successful excuse to shut down all middle class income businesses and destroy all independent ability to earn one own’s money and put the final nail in the coffin of one’s ability to strive higher than a state set income. Lockdowns began and we were snared, Hook, Line and Sinker.
The Social Isolation of Lockdowns is causing fear and enormous mental health issues in our children, our youth, the young parents and our elderly, with most mental health services banned to offer any solution, support or help. Add that on top of the already damaged offsprings of the Demoralised and Dysfunctional generation from the 70’s recession; The New Wealthy, the College Graduates of applied education, ( or in other words, what they want you to learn) and the self designed ‘D4’ heads that spread through all of Ireland in the Boom of the 90’s; And the suicidal and Distracted business owners of the 2008 crash with left their misguided children to take everything as law from the school system, because the parents were too busy trying to continue paying for a lifestyle that they bought into. It is no wonder that 95% of the Irish population are utterly confused and living in total fear and still believe that anything the Irish Politicians or the Health Service they employ to be the truth. The insidious actions of the Irish Government is with absolute certainty the most vile Acts of Crimes Against Humanity in all history. These people that we placed in a position of power to do right by our Country and our people have absolutely taken full advantage of their positions to secure their own greed for power and wealth. Since 1972, under the orders of the EU and those that control the EU and The UN, our Government have strived to separate us from our faith and each other with the helpful indoctrination of pedophiles into our churches. In doing this, it freed the the Irish Catholics to give up on God, confusing state established churches with God. This action alone left mental health sufferers with only one place that they could rely on and that was the Doctor and prescription medication. But as I mentioned in my first paragraph, medication doesn’t help, it suppresses the problem. The problem that causes the fear, the worry, the panic or the sadness is the core that needs to be discovered. Before the destruction of the Catholic Faith in Ireland, grown men would go to church and ask God to guide them. In handing over their trust to God and letting go of the control mechanisms that are holding them in fear, one is free to take a break and breathe easily. And in that state of relaxation, a clear mind can form and the gut instinct kicks in. One can then think through the thoughts that are gathering in the mind and begin to figure things out.
That’s how it worked for me. I discovered that my mind was full of negativities and fears, doubts and worries. I felt that I was a failure in life. I really hated myself. The emotional pain of self hatred and failure is pretty intense. It was no wonder that the antidepressants couldn’t fix me and make me happy again. I had to find me. I had to find how I could be happy within me like I was when I was a three year old, untainted by the sadness and the destruction I saw all around me. I asked God for help. The Creator of my Soul, the one that knows who I am. And I asked him every hour of every day from that first day 4th December 2012. I walked for miles everyday over fields, mountains, rivers and lakes. And I asked him to free my mind of the negativities, the worry and the self hatred and to fill my mind with positivities. I looked around me and took in the positivities of life, the beautiful Earth, the birds, the animals, the Sun, the powerful Sea and the goodness of my fellow man. I filled my mind with these positive gifts of life each and every moment of every day. I asked him to help me to accept me in who I am and help me to live my true self. I asked him to help me forgive myself and others of the mistakes I made in my life that led me to believe that I was a failure. And I began to heal. And I have never forgotten to thank God for every moment of the beautiful gift of Life that he gave me and I continually ask him to guide me in his footsteps. Mental health takes an awful toll on one’s family. The silences, the anger, the tears, the rage that often comes with mental illness terrifies the children that have to witness it. My children completely lost trust in me in which I totally understand and take full responsibility for that loss. It doesn’t however lesson the pain.
Since March 2020 and the onset of the massive Tyranny bestowed upon my fellow man by a Corrupt Evil system, instinctively alerted by the fact that my children were in trouble. I rushed out the door to try and share the truth to strangers in Dublin City, hoping that truth would overcome the lies of the Government. That the Corona Virus was not a dangerous disease and it wasn’t causing excess deaths. With a Mother they had long ago lost trust in, my children turned to Government instead of God.
The sadness that I feel today for failing as a mother, is a pain I have to live with. But It is nothing compared to seeing my children suffer and they not wanting my help. We are a broken family for the moment. My sadness today is not the same as my breakdown in 2012. And I do not feel defeated. I swim in the sea and ask God’s waves to power wash me into positivity and strengthen my mind and body with love and compassion. There are many people that swim in the cold Irish waters these days and they are inspiring in their lack of fear. Ireland is a lost nation for the moment as division and segregation has taken hold. But we are not yet defeated. There is always Hope.